A couple of months ago my friend Kaysie re-did her bathroom, and part of that gut renovation was a new, fancy, sleek toilet. Getting that toilet, all of it, in all of its varied new, fancy and sleek pieces, turned out to be an ordeal of such proportions that we took to calling the entire project Toiletgate.
I’ve been hinting at great drama with the toilet seat on this renovation, and the best way to sum it up is simply to share the voicemail message that I left for Kaysie about 3 weeks ago.
“TOILETGATE LIVES ON. Call me back.”
From the very beginning of this project I was intent to save as much as I possibly could. Refinishing, not replacing. In the end I can sadly say that not much was able to be refinished. Most of this job was a gut quite unlike anything that I had anticipated, and the road to hell is paved with good intentions. One of the first things Chris and I discussed was what could be saved in the bathroom. We both agreed that the tub was a huge save, but he said immediately that I should replace the toilet, and I said immediately that we could keep it. Quick recap on toilet – original, still working, suits the age of the building and a great place to save a few hundred dollars.
Chris nodded his head that day and said ok, but it was clear over the next few weeks that this bothered him – every few days he would casually drop in a mention of the toilet, “so we should replace the toilet, yes?” “No.” “I think maybe the toilet should go, it’s old.” “No.” “It’s leaking.” “No.” And then I’d be all patting myself on the back for my adherence to the vintage vision, and lack of a contribution to our nation’s landfills. Good job me.
not nice
I was pretty much the only one who had this vision, however. Everyone else thought I was nuts, including the upstairs neighbor Yusef who came in for a visit to see what was by then an 80% completed bathroom. I asked him to vote on the toilet debate. Note, at this point the toilet was sitting in the middle of the living room covered in filth, where it had been deposited when the bathroom was gutted. Yusef took one look, raised an eyebrow and said, “oh girlfriend, get rid of it.” He had a point. Dirty…already ripped out…sitting on a trash bag in the middle of the living room because even now that it had been disconnected from the plumbing, it still dripped water. At that point my resolution wavered and I told Chris to throw it out.
“It’s too late.”
“Ummm….huh?”
“I’ve already closed the wall and tiled around the pipe. If you want a new one I need to open the wall back up, re-do the pipes for a modern toilet, and re-tile.”
“Oh.”
“What do you want to do?”
“I want to say fuck.”
“Ok.”
At this point I had no choice. Chris and I took a good look at it and decided that some bleach, elbow grease and a brand new pipe set might yet save this toilet, and I crossed my fingers we could get to the source of the leak. Two weeks later, all those things came to pass and we had a beautiful toilet. I returned to patting myself on the back.
handsome!
shiny!
I went back to Home Depot, my new home away from home, a veritable Cheers of home improvement, and I bought a toilet seat. There are two standard kinds of toilet seats – one for round bowls, and one for elongated bowls. This bowl is most definitely round, and all round toilet seats are 16.5 inches long from middle of the screw to the front of the bowl. I’ve learned this. I brought the toilet seat over to the apartment. It didn’t fit. Not even close. Too small. Huh. This must be an elongated bowl. I took the toilet seat back. Elongated bowls are 18.5 inches long. I bought one. I brought it over to the apartment. It didn’t fit. Not even close. Too big. I have the Goldilocks of toilet bowls. I got out the tape measure. 17 inches.
I went to 3 more hardware stores. Nobody in Chicago carries anything but the standard sizes. Let the google searches begin. I spent HOURS googling toilet seats. Paula sat right next to me one night and googled with me. It was insane.
“vintage toilet seats”
“american standard toilet seats old”
“non-standard toilet seat sizes”
“toilet bowl too big”
“toilet seats for antique toilets”
I just couldn’t figure it out – this is not an unusual toilet. There are a million old apartments in Chicago with this same toilet, and I’m pretty sure they all have toilet seats. I even called up Katie Mac and left her a message begging her to see if her toilet seat had a brand name on it. Still, no luck. What the hell? Also, no one else seemed to be searching for this issue, because no one else in the entire history of the internet has even posted so much as a hint of this problem. For days I was consumed by this issue – I could be making supper, but part of me was thinking about the Toilet Seat Issue. I could be in the pool – half of my brain would be swimming and the other half was most decidedly working on the toilet seat. Making the bed? Toilet seat! Reading? Toilet seat! Driving? Toilet seat! You get the picture.
I called my sister a few weeks ago, several days into the Toilet Seat Issue. I explained the problem. “I just keep looking at toilet seats and none of them fit.”
“Well, why is this an issue?”
“Because they don’t fit!”
“So why don’t you just measure the toilet and buy one that does?”
“Bitch.”
“Hey!”
“ALL I HAVE DONE IN THIS WORLD LATELY IS MEASURE THAT TOILET SEAT.”
“um, ok, crazy, call me later.”
Then, finally……dawn. A lightbulb. I don’t have a residential toilet. I have a COMMERCIAL toilet. Where have I seen these toilets? In rest stops and restaurants and gyms and stores. This toilet may not have been commercial in 1935, but it sure as hell is commercial now, and it’s still being sold. I googled “commercial toilet seats” – boom! 17 inches! 17 INCHES PEOPLE. And they’re available HERE! and HERE! and HERE! A word to Chicago hardware stores – buy some of these. We all don’t have modern toilets.
Look what arrived today:
I called Paula and told her that if this toilet seat doesn't fit I'm going to kill myself.
Love the font.
This box is fantastic. I particularly like “toilet seat – toilet seat – toilet seat.” Katie Mac once told me that she likes to put lots of exclamation marks in her emails and that pretty much what she does is hold her finger down on the key until she feels her point has been made emphatically enough. LIKE THIS:
Toilet Seat - Toilet Seat - Toilet Seat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!